One day about 12 years ago, I woke up to a very different Firechild. I wasn’t sure what was going on or why, but I thought I’d try to handle things on my own. The best way I can describe how I felt was that someone, we’ll call her “Evil Fire” took “me” and stuffed “me” inside one of those domed, Hitchcock birdcages, and locked “me” inside myself. For my Melties who are “Heroes” fans, think Niki and Jessica. I could feel “me” in there but Evil Fire wouldn’t allow “me” to talk, act out or treat people like I always had. If I had a choice to say something nice or shitty to someone, I could hear “me” screaming out something nice, but that’s not what came out of my mouth. It was like PMS 24/7 and it was horrible. Lucky for me, the people close to me at the time saw the change and said flat out, “Something’s not right with you, you need to go talk to someone,” and I did.
The reason I’m telling this story is that I knew I had a problem but thought I could handle it on my own. Try as I may, I couldn’t. It took accepting that, the concern/love of the people around me and my desire to be “me” again to make a move and get “me” out of the birdcage. I’ve been on an anti-depressant since that time and, as much as I H-A-T-E having to be, I hate even more when “Evil Fire” rears her ugly head. I also accept that I’ll probably be on my “Happy Pills” for the rest of my life. It sucks, but the alternative sucks more.
I felt moved to bring this up in the light of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death and the death of, or monsters faced by, SO many others both in the Hollywood spotlight and not.
I’m lucky to not have an “addiction” per se, other than the one my serotonin now makes me have, but I also know how I felt when I had to start taking my Happy Pills. I felt out of control. I felt like a failure for not being able to control myself. However what outweighs that is my desire to not want to treat people like shit and the love of people around me who made me take that step.
For anyone who is battling a monster all I can say is this; It’s OK. It’s OK to have an issue; no one’s perfect. It’s OK accept there’s an issue. It’s OK to take steps to take care of yourself. It’s NOT OK to try to handle it on your own. It does NOT make you a failure when you take steps to handle it the right way. It DOES make you a failure if you don’t.
For anyone out there who knows of someone battling a monster. It’s OK to step up and say something. It’s OK to take time from your busy day and help that person. It’s DOES make you a failure if you turn a blind eye.
I personally don’t understand what makes a person, like Philip Seymour Hoffman who admitted decades ago to having a serious problem, dance with their monsters for that final time. It’s sad to think that there are people who sit by and watch someone walk down that dark path knowing what’s at the end. I know there’s truly evil people out there. I hope more people will stop being afraid of stepping up and helping someone they see struggling. We wouldn’t just stand around if we see someone drowning in a pool so why stand around and watch someone get beat down from a monster they’re fighting.
“Evil Fire” is still around. She’s in that birdcage inside the “me” that all of you know and (hopefully) love. I’m not perfect; will never claim to be. But I’m happy that I faced my monster before it destroyed my life and the people that I care about. Yea, it’s OK.
LINK: http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/05/showbiz/philip-seymour-hoffman-death/index.html?hpt=hp_t2